Dream

I'm with Mike walking through Manchester. We're running around cause I need to pay certain people. We walk through all these boot camp areas in the back alley's of Manch. Wind up going through a dance hall and interrupt everything that is going on. But we wind up seeing someone kill someone and steal their vehicle. We have to then run through all the basic camps so we can get away from the bad guys. We wind up changing our clothing and are in full acu's. I have to go into a pawn shop to pay them about a hundred dollars and I wind up talking to the lady. This shop was just big enough to stand in and wasn't long at all. She told me something about my future and such cause she was also a psychic. I paid her then left. We had to run through the city again and the bad guy was right in front of us. We started in with one of the basic camps drills and were ok. Next thing I know we're in my vehicle and we're driving to our house. It wasn't in Manch, or NH even. All I know is I woke up.

ramblings

I'm so irritated today. With everything in general. I don't quite understand why I am the one who has to take care of everything. I feel like if I say something I'm just going to get told to shut up or to just do it myself. So I do it myself. It makes me not want to bother with any of this shit anymore. All I know is if things aren't different after all of this, I'm gone. I won't be seen by anyone in my life again. I'll go pursue whatever I choose to. I'll do it myself and make my life the way I want it.

Question of the day..

When someone asks you a question do you answer them or completely ignore them?

I think most people would answer the question and if they didn't have an answer at least they would say they'd tell you later.

I get ignored. I don't get a response unless I ask, no lie, like 10 times. It's ridiculous. I usually ask questions I want the answer to, as most of us do. But sometimes I will ask retarded questions. I don't expect answers with the retarded questions, cause I pretty much already know the answer.


When I get asked questions, its like I am required to answer them. I don't have the leisure of just blowing the question off. I kind of want to be more like this person and see how they like it. I just feel like what I would like to know means nothing.

It's like I'm on the back burner. They are too caught up in doing their own thing that I can't be bothered with. Especially now when I need them there because of everything I have been through.

Mayhaps it's time to be done with this individual.

Just a thought

I have a husband. I love him very much. He's leaving for basic training in 16 days. I don't know how to deal with the lack of seeing him. And it's not in the future, its now. I want all of his time to be mine. But I know that I can't. I just wish things were different with everything. Only good thing coming out of him leaving is the ability to get a place of our own. Anna, Val and I will all have our own place. I can't wait. I just worry a lot about everything. Soon enough it'll just be Mike, Anna, Val and myself. I look forward to that day.

I am learning to cope with the way I feel. It's hard and is going to take time. I just wish I knew what really made me happy. I'll find out eventually. But that's enough of a rant for now. I'm supposed to be positive about everything.

Worries..

I am trying so hard to just deal with everything. Things should be going better, but these fucking meds are killing me. I won't stop taking them cause my husband says they're helping me. I feel a change too. It just sucks that I have to be on them. I am trying so hard to think of the positives and not the negatives. I'm just worried about a lot of stuff. I just want everything to be good. All in time I guess.

Mike leaves in 21 days. I'm sad for that. But it'll be a good change. I'll have time to make sure I'm good while he's gone. I get to live life and be safe. Have my own place. There are so many positives. I just got to make it through each day.

April 3-8

I figured I'd write about what happened. I shall be a changed person from this experience and I hope that things get better from here on out.

On Sunday, April 3, 2011 I decided that I was going to leave my friends house and I had been drinking. I should have just stayed where I was, but I was determined to leave. I texted my friend and asked him if it would be smart for me to go to my husbands house. He said it was a bad idea cause he wasn't home. So I asked where he was. My friend wouldn't tell me who he was with or where he was. I just knew my husband was with another woman and that made me upset. I drove to Goffstown, all emotional and crap. All I wanted to do that night was get rid of the pain.

I ended up parking in Gold's Gym parking lot and sitting there for a good while. I decided that I was going to take whatever I had on me and drink it down with some jäger. I did that and drank some more jäger to make sure they were washed down. Then I had the brilliant idea to cut my wrists to help deal with the emotional pain. It helped a bit, but then I started crying and decided to call my friend Rob. He told me I should go to the ER but told me that I should call an ambulance. I called Chris and he told me I should also go to the ER. So I started up the jeep and drove myself to the ER. But one problem with that happened. I lost the brakes in the jeep. There was no brake fluid and therefore I had no brakes. Somehow I managed to drive myself from Gold's Gym to the Elliot ER with no brakes, bleeding, drunk and with a bunch of shit in my system. I walked myself into the ER and they admitted me right away.

I don't remember much of my ER visit, I woke up a few times from my black out. But the one thing I remember was later Sunday morning I had a slew of calls before I was admitted to Pathways. I had about four calls that I can remember. I made a call to my parents to make sure that they would watch the kids while I was in the care facility. My husband called me and Katie called me too. I do also remember texting a few people before I got my calls. But most of Sunday morning was a blank for me. They asked me if I wanted to go to Pathways to get help. I was apprehensive at first, but I thought about it and I knew I needed help. This was the worst I had ever been. The lady went up to make sure they had room and not 10 minutes after she left did they come back and bring me up to Pathways.

I got checked into Pathways and was scared to death about it all. All I could think about was the psych wards that are in movies and the shit they would do to people. I was still pretty cocked at that point and it made the experience a but more scary. I was admitted and then I was introduced to my roommate. I sat in the Day Room along with everyone else, just so I wasn't all alone in my room. I sat and observed everyone to make sure I wasn't going to go crazy or be mauled by any other residents. I had people talking to me and inviting me to join everything but I just sat back and watched. I went to bed that night and slept like shit. I had night terrors and woke up in cold sweats. Monday was a bit more fun, I opened up and made a couple friends. I went to groups and the Dr. said I was just depressed. On Tuesday I saw another Dr. and I was told that I had bipolar disorder. I thought to myself "I knew it" and just looked at him and agreed. The week was full of groups and medication.

I learned how to cope and deal with what I needed to and I was discharged on Friday, April 8, 2011. Getting out was amazing to me, the day was so nice and it was great to be out of "lock up". I felt like a new person too. I knew what was wrong with me and I was on the right meds. I felt so amazing and I still do. I am just glad that I finally got the help I needed. It sucks that it happened under the circumstances it did, but I am very glad that I am still here to enjoy everything. My journey shall be a long one, but I am willing to make sure that I change and my life gets better. If I get better everything else in my life will get better too. My kids and any relationship that I end up in. Friendships will be stronger and life will be a bit easier to cope with. It'll still be hard, but I shall enjoy every step.

If anyone feels like I did, I am here. I may not be able to do much, but I can be here to help you if you need it. I'll listen and attempt to give some advice if it is asked of me. I love you. <3

Lifs thus far..

   So I have something good going on tomorrow. I also still have a lot of shit too. I just want it to be completely over and I don't ever want to have to deal anymore. I wish I could be a heartless bastard and not care. Death has been on the mind lately. Not too much else though...

   I have an interview tomorrow. I haven't told many people. Only 2 and whomever reads this. I'm hoping that everything will go good, cause its something that will help me out. I won't get my hopes up about it much though, things seem to always turn for the worse.

   I blew up at my family on Sunday. My parents say that I am disrespectful because I told my daughter to shut up with her whining. I need to get the hell out of this place. I can't be here much longer. They don't help with my depression and my wanting to kill myself. All they do is put me down and the say the care and support me but they never do. They want me out.. I should just leave and not come back. Go live how I want to, or die. I have nothing much more for me. My kids tell me they don't care and don't want to live with me or be with me. I'm not good at anything I do. I try so hard to make sure that everything is good and nothing goes well at all.. I just want it all done and over with.

   I want to go into the army. I have been thinking about it an awful lot lately. It'll be great for me and give me confidence about myself. I need something to make myself better. I'm going crazy not having anything..

   I have been thinking a lot more about how to fix things. I need to just give up. I'm so sick of everything and I can't deal anymore. Then I think about dying. It seems so easy. So what if people think its an easy way out. My husband always runs. If I die, I would be the one running, but I usually never do. I don't see much more good coming out of anything. I just need to make sure my kids are taken care of before anything happens though. and If I fail at trying, I'll get locked up.. Maybe its what I need. I need hel to make things better for me. I need it. We'll see. Maybe if I tell my doctor they'll help me more...

This is my song for my life right now..