Lifs thus far..

   So I have something good going on tomorrow. I also still have a lot of shit too. I just want it to be completely over and I don't ever want to have to deal anymore. I wish I could be a heartless bastard and not care. Death has been on the mind lately. Not too much else though...

   I have an interview tomorrow. I haven't told many people. Only 2 and whomever reads this. I'm hoping that everything will go good, cause its something that will help me out. I won't get my hopes up about it much though, things seem to always turn for the worse.

   I blew up at my family on Sunday. My parents say that I am disrespectful because I told my daughter to shut up with her whining. I need to get the hell out of this place. I can't be here much longer. They don't help with my depression and my wanting to kill myself. All they do is put me down and the say the care and support me but they never do. They want me out.. I should just leave and not come back. Go live how I want to, or die. I have nothing much more for me. My kids tell me they don't care and don't want to live with me or be with me. I'm not good at anything I do. I try so hard to make sure that everything is good and nothing goes well at all.. I just want it all done and over with.

   I want to go into the army. I have been thinking about it an awful lot lately. It'll be great for me and give me confidence about myself. I need something to make myself better. I'm going crazy not having anything..

   I have been thinking a lot more about how to fix things. I need to just give up. I'm so sick of everything and I can't deal anymore. Then I think about dying. It seems so easy. So what if people think its an easy way out. My husband always runs. If I die, I would be the one running, but I usually never do. I don't see much more good coming out of anything. I just need to make sure my kids are taken care of before anything happens though. and If I fail at trying, I'll get locked up.. Maybe its what I need. I need hel to make things better for me. I need it. We'll see. Maybe if I tell my doctor they'll help me more...

This is my song for my life right now..

Hobbies..

   So I am attempting to find myself a hobby. I need to do something to keep my mind busy and so I don't think about my relationship too much. All I have is time and I don't know what to do with it. I attempted to do yoga today, it didn't work so well. I can't relax, not with the kids running around and being crazy. Guess I just have to stick to doing the minimal exercises I have been. I am really going to get myself all in shape and feeling amazing.

   I am looking forward to the spring and running around outside with my kids and such. I want to start running too, but I need a better stroller to go with the kids. I plan on doing so many more things with them, like hiking through the woods and looking at all the nature stuff. I'm sure they'll have a blast with it. I also miss just being outside and enjoying the beauty of nature.

   I'll find myself a hobby eventually, I want to learn to play acoustic guitar. I want to learn to do a lot of things. I shall do them when the time allows. But I need to find something I can be passionate about and stick to it. That's my biggest downfall. I don't stick with the things I choose to do. Someday I shall just find something I love more than anything else I have tried.

   I cannot wait to get my tattoos too. I am looking forward to having all the beautiful body art I wanted. I also long for the good pain. I haven't had a piercing in a long time and I am in need of something good. Oh just thinking about the pain makes me happy. I can handle physical pain better than emotional. But when the day comes that I get one of my tattoos, I shall be a happy girl!

   I have 56 days til my husband leaves for basic. I'm worried in a way, but not really since he doesn't want to be with me. Such is life, I just hope that everything gets better.

   I am an amazing person and I know I can do this, I plan to. I planned on doing it even while I was with him, but without him is how it's going to be. Life kind of just gets in the way, I just hope that things really do get better for the best.

    I'm taking my meds like I should and I can feel them working more. I'm glad they are helping me. I need to get myself to anger management and find someone to talk to about everything, who can help me. I'm slowly working on it and that's all I can do. I am doing what I need to do for me.

   I plan on being me from now on, but I am going to change. I need to find myself a hobby that actually keeps my interest. I have a hard time doing so. I want to change and take more chances and just experience life. I feel like I cannot be me around Mike because of the way I saw my parents. I know that I need to just do whatever and live my life and be happy for me. I shall be hay for me. It will take change but I know that girl is in there somewhere waiting to escape.

   I have been told recently by a fair amount of people that they think I am crazy. Not crazy in the head, but that I seem like I am a crazy person with my personality and such. It makes me giggle inside, because I really an not that kind of a person. I worry 24/7 about everything and put myself through crazy stress. I am so cautious when it comes to things, I sometimes think I miss out on so much life cause I'm a poop. Hence the change. :D

   Well I don't have much more to write, at least there isn't a lot of negativity in here. I shall try to look up and I understand I will have my bad days, but I will have many good ones too. <3