When someone asks you a question do you answer them or completely ignore them?
I think most people would answer the question and if they didn't have an answer at least they would say they'd tell you later.
I get ignored. I don't get a response unless I ask, no lie, like 10 times. It's ridiculous. I usually ask questions I want the answer to, as most of us do. But sometimes I will ask retarded questions. I don't expect answers with the retarded questions, cause I pretty much already know the answer.
When I get asked questions, its like I am required to answer them. I don't have the leisure of just blowing the question off. I kind of want to be more like this person and see how they like it. I just feel like what I would like to know means nothing.
It's like I'm on the back burner. They are too caught up in doing their own thing that I can't be bothered with. Especially now when I need them there because of everything I have been through.
Mayhaps it's time to be done with this individual.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Just a thought
I have a husband. I love him very much. He's leaving for basic training in 16 days. I don't know how to deal with the lack of seeing him. And it's not in the future, its now. I want all of his time to be mine. But I know that I can't. I just wish things were different with everything. Only good thing coming out of him leaving is the ability to get a place of our own. Anna, Val and I will all have our own place. I can't wait. I just worry a lot about everything. Soon enough it'll just be Mike, Anna, Val and myself. I look forward to that day.
I am learning to cope with the way I feel. It's hard and is going to take time. I just wish I knew what really made me happy. I'll find out eventually. But that's enough of a rant for now. I'm supposed to be positive about everything.
I am learning to cope with the way I feel. It's hard and is going to take time. I just wish I knew what really made me happy. I'll find out eventually. But that's enough of a rant for now. I'm supposed to be positive about everything.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Worries..
I am trying so hard to just deal with everything. Things should be going better, but these fucking meds are killing me. I won't stop taking them cause my husband says they're helping me. I feel a change too. It just sucks that I have to be on them. I am trying so hard to think of the positives and not the negatives. I'm just worried about a lot of stuff. I just want everything to be good. All in time I guess.
Mike leaves in 21 days. I'm sad for that. But it'll be a good change. I'll have time to make sure I'm good while he's gone. I get to live life and be safe. Have my own place. There are so many positives. I just got to make it through each day.
Mike leaves in 21 days. I'm sad for that. But it'll be a good change. I'll have time to make sure I'm good while he's gone. I get to live life and be safe. Have my own place. There are so many positives. I just got to make it through each day.
Monday, April 11, 2011
April 3-8
I figured I'd write about what happened. I shall be a changed person from this experience and I hope that things get better from here on out.
On Sunday, April 3, 2011 I decided that I was going to leave my friends house and I had been drinking. I should have just stayed where I was, but I was determined to leave. I texted my friend and asked him if it would be smart for me to go to my husbands house. He said it was a bad idea cause he wasn't home. So I asked where he was. My friend wouldn't tell me who he was with or where he was. I just knew my husband was with another woman and that made me upset. I drove to Goffstown, all emotional and crap. All I wanted to do that night was get rid of the pain.
I ended up parking in Gold's Gym parking lot and sitting there for a good while. I decided that I was going to take whatever I had on me and drink it down with some jäger. I did that and drank some more jäger to make sure they were washed down. Then I had the brilliant idea to cut my wrists to help deal with the emotional pain. It helped a bit, but then I started crying and decided to call my friend Rob. He told me I should go to the ER but told me that I should call an ambulance. I called Chris and he told me I should also go to the ER. So I started up the jeep and drove myself to the ER. But one problem with that happened. I lost the brakes in the jeep. There was no brake fluid and therefore I had no brakes. Somehow I managed to drive myself from Gold's Gym to the Elliot ER with no brakes, bleeding, drunk and with a bunch of shit in my system. I walked myself into the ER and they admitted me right away.
I don't remember much of my ER visit, I woke up a few times from my black out. But the one thing I remember was later Sunday morning I had a slew of calls before I was admitted to Pathways. I had about four calls that I can remember. I made a call to my parents to make sure that they would watch the kids while I was in the care facility. My husband called me and Katie called me too. I do also remember texting a few people before I got my calls. But most of Sunday morning was a blank for me. They asked me if I wanted to go to Pathways to get help. I was apprehensive at first, but I thought about it and I knew I needed help. This was the worst I had ever been. The lady went up to make sure they had room and not 10 minutes after she left did they come back and bring me up to Pathways.
I got checked into Pathways and was scared to death about it all. All I could think about was the psych wards that are in movies and the shit they would do to people. I was still pretty cocked at that point and it made the experience a but more scary. I was admitted and then I was introduced to my roommate. I sat in the Day Room along with everyone else, just so I wasn't all alone in my room. I sat and observed everyone to make sure I wasn't going to go crazy or be mauled by any other residents. I had people talking to me and inviting me to join everything but I just sat back and watched. I went to bed that night and slept like shit. I had night terrors and woke up in cold sweats. Monday was a bit more fun, I opened up and made a couple friends. I went to groups and the Dr. said I was just depressed. On Tuesday I saw another Dr. and I was told that I had bipolar disorder. I thought to myself "I knew it" and just looked at him and agreed. The week was full of groups and medication.
I learned how to cope and deal with what I needed to and I was discharged on Friday, April 8, 2011. Getting out was amazing to me, the day was so nice and it was great to be out of "lock up". I felt like a new person too. I knew what was wrong with me and I was on the right meds. I felt so amazing and I still do. I am just glad that I finally got the help I needed. It sucks that it happened under the circumstances it did, but I am very glad that I am still here to enjoy everything. My journey shall be a long one, but I am willing to make sure that I change and my life gets better. If I get better everything else in my life will get better too. My kids and any relationship that I end up in. Friendships will be stronger and life will be a bit easier to cope with. It'll still be hard, but I shall enjoy every step.
If anyone feels like I did, I am here. I may not be able to do much, but I can be here to help you if you need it. I'll listen and attempt to give some advice if it is asked of me. I love you. <3
On Sunday, April 3, 2011 I decided that I was going to leave my friends house and I had been drinking. I should have just stayed where I was, but I was determined to leave. I texted my friend and asked him if it would be smart for me to go to my husbands house. He said it was a bad idea cause he wasn't home. So I asked where he was. My friend wouldn't tell me who he was with or where he was. I just knew my husband was with another woman and that made me upset. I drove to Goffstown, all emotional and crap. All I wanted to do that night was get rid of the pain.
I ended up parking in Gold's Gym parking lot and sitting there for a good while. I decided that I was going to take whatever I had on me and drink it down with some jäger. I did that and drank some more jäger to make sure they were washed down. Then I had the brilliant idea to cut my wrists to help deal with the emotional pain. It helped a bit, but then I started crying and decided to call my friend Rob. He told me I should go to the ER but told me that I should call an ambulance. I called Chris and he told me I should also go to the ER. So I started up the jeep and drove myself to the ER. But one problem with that happened. I lost the brakes in the jeep. There was no brake fluid and therefore I had no brakes. Somehow I managed to drive myself from Gold's Gym to the Elliot ER with no brakes, bleeding, drunk and with a bunch of shit in my system. I walked myself into the ER and they admitted me right away.
I don't remember much of my ER visit, I woke up a few times from my black out. But the one thing I remember was later Sunday morning I had a slew of calls before I was admitted to Pathways. I had about four calls that I can remember. I made a call to my parents to make sure that they would watch the kids while I was in the care facility. My husband called me and Katie called me too. I do also remember texting a few people before I got my calls. But most of Sunday morning was a blank for me. They asked me if I wanted to go to Pathways to get help. I was apprehensive at first, but I thought about it and I knew I needed help. This was the worst I had ever been. The lady went up to make sure they had room and not 10 minutes after she left did they come back and bring me up to Pathways.
I got checked into Pathways and was scared to death about it all. All I could think about was the psych wards that are in movies and the shit they would do to people. I was still pretty cocked at that point and it made the experience a but more scary. I was admitted and then I was introduced to my roommate. I sat in the Day Room along with everyone else, just so I wasn't all alone in my room. I sat and observed everyone to make sure I wasn't going to go crazy or be mauled by any other residents. I had people talking to me and inviting me to join everything but I just sat back and watched. I went to bed that night and slept like shit. I had night terrors and woke up in cold sweats. Monday was a bit more fun, I opened up and made a couple friends. I went to groups and the Dr. said I was just depressed. On Tuesday I saw another Dr. and I was told that I had bipolar disorder. I thought to myself "I knew it" and just looked at him and agreed. The week was full of groups and medication.
I learned how to cope and deal with what I needed to and I was discharged on Friday, April 8, 2011. Getting out was amazing to me, the day was so nice and it was great to be out of "lock up". I felt like a new person too. I knew what was wrong with me and I was on the right meds. I felt so amazing and I still do. I am just glad that I finally got the help I needed. It sucks that it happened under the circumstances it did, but I am very glad that I am still here to enjoy everything. My journey shall be a long one, but I am willing to make sure that I change and my life gets better. If I get better everything else in my life will get better too. My kids and any relationship that I end up in. Friendships will be stronger and life will be a bit easier to cope with. It'll still be hard, but I shall enjoy every step.
If anyone feels like I did, I am here. I may not be able to do much, but I can be here to help you if you need it. I'll listen and attempt to give some advice if it is asked of me. I love you. <3
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