April 3-8

I figured I'd write about what happened. I shall be a changed person from this experience and I hope that things get better from here on out.

On Sunday, April 3, 2011 I decided that I was going to leave my friends house and I had been drinking. I should have just stayed where I was, but I was determined to leave. I texted my friend and asked him if it would be smart for me to go to my husbands house. He said it was a bad idea cause he wasn't home. So I asked where he was. My friend wouldn't tell me who he was with or where he was. I just knew my husband was with another woman and that made me upset. I drove to Goffstown, all emotional and crap. All I wanted to do that night was get rid of the pain.

I ended up parking in Gold's Gym parking lot and sitting there for a good while. I decided that I was going to take whatever I had on me and drink it down with some jäger. I did that and drank some more jäger to make sure they were washed down. Then I had the brilliant idea to cut my wrists to help deal with the emotional pain. It helped a bit, but then I started crying and decided to call my friend Rob. He told me I should go to the ER but told me that I should call an ambulance. I called Chris and he told me I should also go to the ER. So I started up the jeep and drove myself to the ER. But one problem with that happened. I lost the brakes in the jeep. There was no brake fluid and therefore I had no brakes. Somehow I managed to drive myself from Gold's Gym to the Elliot ER with no brakes, bleeding, drunk and with a bunch of shit in my system. I walked myself into the ER and they admitted me right away.

I don't remember much of my ER visit, I woke up a few times from my black out. But the one thing I remember was later Sunday morning I had a slew of calls before I was admitted to Pathways. I had about four calls that I can remember. I made a call to my parents to make sure that they would watch the kids while I was in the care facility. My husband called me and Katie called me too. I do also remember texting a few people before I got my calls. But most of Sunday morning was a blank for me. They asked me if I wanted to go to Pathways to get help. I was apprehensive at first, but I thought about it and I knew I needed help. This was the worst I had ever been. The lady went up to make sure they had room and not 10 minutes after she left did they come back and bring me up to Pathways.

I got checked into Pathways and was scared to death about it all. All I could think about was the psych wards that are in movies and the shit they would do to people. I was still pretty cocked at that point and it made the experience a but more scary. I was admitted and then I was introduced to my roommate. I sat in the Day Room along with everyone else, just so I wasn't all alone in my room. I sat and observed everyone to make sure I wasn't going to go crazy or be mauled by any other residents. I had people talking to me and inviting me to join everything but I just sat back and watched. I went to bed that night and slept like shit. I had night terrors and woke up in cold sweats. Monday was a bit more fun, I opened up and made a couple friends. I went to groups and the Dr. said I was just depressed. On Tuesday I saw another Dr. and I was told that I had bipolar disorder. I thought to myself "I knew it" and just looked at him and agreed. The week was full of groups and medication.

I learned how to cope and deal with what I needed to and I was discharged on Friday, April 8, 2011. Getting out was amazing to me, the day was so nice and it was great to be out of "lock up". I felt like a new person too. I knew what was wrong with me and I was on the right meds. I felt so amazing and I still do. I am just glad that I finally got the help I needed. It sucks that it happened under the circumstances it did, but I am very glad that I am still here to enjoy everything. My journey shall be a long one, but I am willing to make sure that I change and my life gets better. If I get better everything else in my life will get better too. My kids and any relationship that I end up in. Friendships will be stronger and life will be a bit easier to cope with. It'll still be hard, but I shall enjoy every step.

If anyone feels like I did, I am here. I may not be able to do much, but I can be here to help you if you need it. I'll listen and attempt to give some advice if it is asked of me. I love you. <3